Life’s Not Just About The Number Of Breaths You Take, But The Awkward Moments That Make You Gasp

Woman sits at a bar alone. A bartender offers to put her food in a doggie bag.
“Can I put that in a doggie bag for you?”

Remember those awkward teenage years of thinking you’re a freak and everyone secretly knows it?  Years of saying the wrong thing to a cute guy like, “I’m fourteen and three quarters.” Or “Bless you.” when he coughed.  Or trying to contribute at the popular table by saying “Rick Springfield is so hot.” Only to realize he was no longer in vogue.

Apparently, you go through it again later in life too.  Or maybe it’s just me.  For example, there was this one day that was particularly full of awkward moments. Which is when I noticed there was a pattern of embarrassing behavior.

I didn’t think the first one was that weird until my daughter pointed it out. Apparently, I saw the mom of these two sisters in her class and said “How are the twins?”

“Do you realize how disrespectful that is?” my daughter asked me later.

“It is?” I said dumbfounded.

“You wouldn’t say ‘How is the boy?’ Or ‘How is the parent?’ They’re not a the.” She explained. “Besides, they’re not twins.”

Which, for my part, if you’re not twins you shouldn’t dress alike. Just saying.

The next awkward moment, was definitely on me.  I was talking with tech support about software for a game I bought when the internet was first invented and they needed my password.  I considered faking a dropped call, but I was going through solitaire withdrawal and needed to play.

“Uh,  mybuttyourface.” I said as none offensively as I could.

“Ma’am?” he responded. I swear he sounded like he was nine.

“My, uh, my password.  It’s the punchline to that old joke ‘Got a match?’” I tried to explain.

“A match?”

“Yeah, a match. Like, to light a cigarette.”

“I don’t smoke.” He said, like a mature twelve year old scolding me.

“No, I don’t either.  It’s a joke. ‘Got a match? Yeah my-” I tried again to explain.

“I just need your password, ma’am.” He advised with definite disapproval.

It was supposed to be a private joke just for me, that no one would ever know about. But how do you explain it to a kid that doesn’t even know what matches are?  I spelled it instead. “B-U, then there’s a T and a second T.” I said, hoping it didn’t sound like words.

Note to self, change all juvenile passwords.

Next up, I was at a networking lunch at a restaurant.  There was a TV in the corner with a commercial of fresh off the grill BBQ ribs.  And I said, “Those look tasty.” Of course, by the time everyone turned to look, it switched to a commercial for abused animals and there was a pitiful looking dog in a cage with part of his ear missing.  Yeah, awkward.

And no matter how legit your excuse is, it always comes out worse than what they originally thought you meant.

“No! It was barbecue ribs!” More close ups of emaciated dogs, their ribs filling the screen.  “Not dog ribs. Cow ribs.  Or pigs. Or whatever BBQ ribs are made of.” What are they made of anyway?

I didn’t know what else to do, so I just ordered a vegan burger.  At the bar. In a different restaurant.  I don’t know what vegan burgers are made out of either.  But it still seemed wrong to eat it, so I took it home to my dog.

The moral of the story is, awkwardness happens.  That’s life.  It happens to everyone.  Probably.  Get over it and get something to eat.  (Although I don’t recommend vegan burgers.)  And enjoy a little chocolate.  It works for me.


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Author: Shay

Shay is an action/adventure screenwriter and humor blogger. She has been married to Prince Charming for 24 years and they have two amazing and talented children.