Mattress Selection Could Determine Your Future Spouse

True story. My dad is twelve years older than his little sister. He was a good brother when she was little; always there for her. Like the time some villain pushed her into the bushes and he came running from the opposite direction to rescue her and wipe away her tears. He thoroughly enjoyed the hero worship he received and told her that one day he would marry a princess.

When he brought my mom home to meet the family, my Aunt was skeptical about whether this stranger was actually a princess. So, she did what any logical preteen would do, she placed a pea under her mattress.

The next morning my aunt, who had been kicked out of her room for the guest, inquired  how the alleged princess slept. Thinking to flatter the little girl that her bed provided the finest night’s sleep, my future mother replied, “I slept wonderful.”

My aunt, now in her seventies is aware, not only that my mom was not a pedigree princess, but that her brother was both the hero AND the villain in the bush/push fiasco. However, these things no longer keep her up at night. Why? Because she has a new mattress. But a new mattress isn’t the key to a great night’s sleep, it’s having the right mattress. That’s where I come in, as mattress consigliere.Mattress background with humorous mattress slogans

When I buy something big, say over $12, I do a lot of research. And I insist on trying out products to be sure they meet expectations.

When we bought a hot tub, we put on our swimsuits and took a dip right in the showroom tubs. (They let you do that, but they prefer you don’t bring your cooler of beer.)

When we bought a gas grill, we cooked up some hamburgers and hot dogs. They weren’t happy when we didn’t buy the grill, but those burgers were raw on the inside!

And, when we needed a new mattress, we put on our PJs and headed to the nearest mattress store. (BTW, they don’t let you sleep there overnight, so a long nap is about all you can get away with.)

There are three things you want to consider when buying a mattress.
1. Coils or foam: a/k/a slinkys or stinkys;
2. Firm or Soft – Remember the three bears: You want the one that’s just right and doesn’t have some stranger sleeping in it; and
3. Jump-ability.

Coils are great for sleeping, but can rust over time if you are a bed wetter. Permaform on the other hand makes jumping impossible and they use chemicals that are non-deadly but toxic. (Is that an oxymoron?) If you are a competitive pillow fighter, you definitely want to get the permafoam pillows as they are like a soft brick and will knock out the competition.

Which ever mattress you choose, princess beware, they are likely to mask the presence of the pea, even to the most sensitive of sleepers.


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Author: Shay

Shay is an action/adventure screenwriter and humor blogger. She has been married to Prince Charming for 24 years and they have two amazing and talented children.